Once upon a time there was a group of friends. This "crew" liked to do a lot of things together but they liked to play alone or with other friends too. Every few weeks the "crew" liked to get together and talk about what they had been doing, share new ideas, and problem solve. Some people hated their meetings, some people loved them but they all had to be there.
One day, a friend brought the idea of going on bike ride to the group (a note, anyone who knows me will know that his idea is totally fictitious as they know my feelings towards bikes). Some of her "new" other friends had gone on a bike ride once and it sounded like fun. The first friend brought the new friends to the meeting and asked them to tell the crew about the bike ride. Everyone in the crew listened politely and clapped when the new friends finished. The first friend asked the crew to think about the idea and to let her know what they thought of it. She told them she really liked the idea but wanted to make sure there were no major objections or reasons to avoid a bike-ride in the near future.
As the weeks passed the friend waited and waited but no one said anything about the bike ride. The first friend thought that everyone must be very busy and figured that they must have liked the idea of a bike ride too; they had all clapped for the visiting friends and no one had said a word about not liking the idea since then. The first friend went ahead and made plans with the new friends for everyone to go on a bike ride together. She was very excited and started sharing the news with the clan that the bike ride was on its way!
At the next gathering of the clan, the first friend was surprised to hear that some of the friends were NOT happy. They said that they never had a chance to share their own ideas and that they would have NEVER just gone ahead with an idea like the bike ride without more discussion with the whole clan in the past. This friend was angry with the first friend for not listening enough.
The first friend was surprised and saddened to hear this news. She thought that she had asked for feedback and assumed, since she hadn't heard anything, that everyone must be OK with the idea. She tried apologizing for not listening enough but she wondered why no one had come to talk with her. She worried that the crew didn't trust her and couldn't figure out why they hadn't said something before. She also wondered how many of them were also mad about the bike ride and how many of them thought that it was a fine idea too. It was hard to know if she had really messed up or if the angry friend was just frustrated with other things and blaming them on the bike ride. The first friend felt sad that the angry friend was feeling left out and so angry.
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Looking at this story, I'd like to offer the following advice to the "first friend" in hopes that she will find ways to smooth things out with the clan without taking too much of this on herself.
- Perception is reality, the first friend didn't do enough communicating to make people feel comfortable with the "bike ride. Even if she thought she had asked for feedback, if people didn't hear/remember this invitation it's like it never happened. She will have to find other ways to ask and do it multiple times to avoid angry clan members.
- It's possible that bike ride is just the tip of the iceberg and perhaps communication on other ideas was inadequate when she thought it was OK. That may explain why the angry friend was SO angry over what seemed like a small issue.
- When people are stressed or feel otherwise threatened, they are not always great about volunteering information or ideas...until they explode. If the "clan" is under stress from other things they have going on, they may need EXTRA encouragement to volunteer information and to support new ideas.
- Change is hard. If the first friend is communicating in ways that are different from the way it's been done before, some members of the clan may have a harder time adjusting. The first friend needs to remember that and maybe make some effort to do things "the old way" to help people with the transition.
- Sometimes when people get mad about a "bike ride" you have to do a lot of sifting to see what it is that they're really frustrated about. There is no guarantee that the other parties will ever agree that their ACTUAL frustration is about anything BUT the "bike ride" but they won't be satisfied with any changes to the ride until you've satisfied the ACTUAL frustration. It's OK to talk a lot about the bike ride as you work around the rest of the issue but it's also OK to call a spade a spade and get to the root of the issue.
- Sometimes, good intentions and well laid plans aren't enough to keep you out of hot water. There is a certain amount of risk that a person assumes when suggesting new ideas. The first friend may not like the angry response but it's OK. As long as she keeps trying and improving (see above) the crew will likely warm up. Many of them are likely already OK with the "bike ride" and those who are not may never be satisfied. It's OK for them to be angry sometimes.
